What I have been up to....

 Since my last post in April, things have been slow. Not the, not much is going on, type but the, I need help getting myself in gear, type. Recap: On April first, I lost my (cat is not a strong enough word for what he was for me) furry baby Stardust. I honestly cannot remember the next couple of months after that. I was in so much pain it took every ounce of my being to do my routine activities. 

As the Pennsic War approached at the end of June, I had to put myself in prep mode. Two weeks of camping with the family requires a lot of lists and gathering things together. I was still hurting, but at least I had something to distract me from the pain. 

Then it was land grab day, July twenty-eighth. We got up super early and drove to Cooper's Lake Campground, where we would spend the next couple of weeks with many friends and loved ones. Unfortunately, there was a huge monkey wrench thrown into the land allotments thanks to an unexpected road and a few other issues that led to a lot of stress and me regretting going. It did not help that it was excruciatingly hot, so setting up made everyone involved grouchy. 

Once things were set up, everyone settled in, and overall, it was a good event. I did not spend as much time with people as I would typically have, but I was not feeling as social as I have in the past. I spent most of my time reading and knitting in my quiet little corner. I finished books one to five in The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher and Sword of Destiny by Andrzej Sapkowski. It felt good to get lost in the books. Although I did not get to spend time with the people I usually do, I had a chance to see some people from my past and catch up, which was nice.

Then Pennsic was over, and we returned, and I had a mountain of laundry to wash and a pile of totes to sort through, inventory, and put away. It was overwhelming, and not having Stardust around to sit with and snuggle made it more difficult, but I got it all done. Pennsic was no longer taking over the first floor of the house.

Now, life is supposed to go back to normal. I am supposed to get back into my routines and get back to writing. And I am trying. I sit down and start typing, and some days, I can get more than others written, but it feels off. I still find myself looking for my beautiful panther, expecting him to jump up and start licking my ears. (He was obsessed with grooming my ears and neck.) In the past, when I was stuck, I would sit with him for a while, and the writing would come again. Now...

I am trying. All I ask is that you be patient. The words will flow freely again one day, and I will get another book out. I am currently working on something slowly. 

Grief

 On April first, I had to make the hardest decision, I had to let go of my cat Stardust. He had cardiac arrest, and a blood clot caused him to be paralyzed in his back legs. He was in a lot of pain, and the emergency vet did all they could, but it was not enough. On April eleventh, I brought his ashes home.

I brought Stardust in as a tiny kitten, he was born in my Mom's backyard to a feral mama, and he was with me for eleven years. He would have turned twelve this August. He was my familiar. Every morning, he met me in the bathroom and gave me love. I would have to stop at every landing to scritch him on the way down to breakfast. He would come up on my lap and rub his face against mine, and he was obsessed with cleaning my ears. He knew when I was having a rough day and would snuggle up with me. Now he is gone.

There are no words to describe the pain. It takes every ounce of energy to keep from crying all day. Most mornings, I do not want to get out of bed. I still need to take care of the other animals, but some days I forget until much later in the day, and then it takes so much to get up and do it. I do not want to do anything but sit, play stupid games, and maybe read. But even reading is hard. I try to knit, but i find no joy in it. 

Joy is hard these days, I feel as if I am betraying Stardust by being happy. I still see him sometimes, out of the corner of my eye. Rest in peace, my sweet boy. I love you.

My snuggly boy is gone

Stardust 8/17/2011 to 4/1/2023

Writing Slump

 I have two novels started, Write Me a Life, and Lost Fledgling. The first is about an author slowly going insane while trying to write her novel. The second is part of the Dark Angel world, set eighteen-ish years after Fall of the Darkness and is about Aingeal's daughter. Both stories are in here, but I am having the hardest time getting them out of my head and onto the computer. The weather outside is dreary, cold, and miserable most days, which does not prompt me to want to write. 

I have been knitting, and crocheting, and working on my Druid studies. My son and I have been doing baking experiments. I have been reading, and finished several books since the beginning of the year, yet I cannot seem to write.

It is not for lack of trying either. There are days when I will sit here and stare at a blank screen for an hour. The flashing cursor mocking me. (Hey, wait, I think I wrote about this in the first novel.) The words are there, but when I try to type them, I cannot remember what I wanted to say. It is kind of like when you know the name of an actor, but for the life of you cannot remember it. Yeah, that. 

I am turning forty-nine in a few days, maybe that is what it is. Or it could simply be the winter blahs. I am not exactly certain. I have so much I need to get done, but blah. I hope someone out there gets this, and that I am not alone in this slump. Anyway, I will keep trying to plug away to those of you that are interested in my work. 

Thanks for listening.

Pixie