Grief

 On April first, I had to make the hardest decision, I had to let go of my cat Stardust. He had cardiac arrest, and a blood clot caused him to be paralyzed in his back legs. He was in a lot of pain, and the emergency vet did all they could, but it was not enough. On April eleventh, I brought his ashes home.

I brought Stardust in as a tiny kitten, he was born in my Mom's backyard to a feral mama, and he was with me for eleven years. He would have turned twelve this August. He was my familiar. Every morning, he met me in the bathroom and gave me love. I would have to stop at every landing to scritch him on the way down to breakfast. He would come up on my lap and rub his face against mine, and he was obsessed with cleaning my ears. He knew when I was having a rough day and would snuggle up with me. Now he is gone.

There are no words to describe the pain. It takes every ounce of energy to keep from crying all day. Most mornings, I do not want to get out of bed. I still need to take care of the other animals, but some days I forget until much later in the day, and then it takes so much to get up and do it. I do not want to do anything but sit, play stupid games, and maybe read. But even reading is hard. I try to knit, but i find no joy in it. 

Joy is hard these days, I feel as if I am betraying Stardust by being happy. I still see him sometimes, out of the corner of my eye. Rest in peace, my sweet boy. I love you.

My snuggly boy is gone

Stardust 8/17/2011 to 4/1/2023